Simon: FF8 Style
by Jennifer Kinneas
Summary: A parody of Simon off Saturday Night Live. **Quistis chapter added**
1. Squall

STANDARD DISLAIMER: The characters Squall, Fujin, Raijin, and their daddies belong to Squaresoft as well as the city Esthar.

A/N: We can only hope you've seen Simon, a show of Saturday Night Live. It features Mike Myers playing a young boy that has his show in the bath. Unfortunately, Simon is no longer on Saturday Night Live. Enjoy the story anyway! I do not recommend this format, all it does is give your story fewer words, but Simon is a show so I thought it would be neat. It is also a strainer on your spell check.

****

Simon: FF8 Style

Squall

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FADE IN

INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.

SIMON

(cheerful)

Hello everyone. My name is Simon. I like to do drawings. Don't look at my bum people. Don't look at my bum. I don't look at your bum. Bum lookers! Cheeky monkeys! Today, today I've got a friend in the bath with me. Do you want to meet him? Do you?

Cheers and positive shouts erupt from the crowd.

SIMON

His name is Squally. Squally, say hello to everyone.

SQUALL

(with his cowboy hat)

My name is Squally! I'm a cowboy!

SIMON

(beaming)

All right, you Irvine wannabe. Squally's dad works for the same big Estharian Company my daddy works for. Like me, Squally doesn't have a mommy, so his daddy takes him everywhere.

SQUALL

Simon… is it all bubbly in the bath because you farted?

SIMON

I didn't do it. You're the one who pooted. Cheeky, anyway, Squally likes to do drawings as well. Would you like to see his drawings? Would you?

Crowd applauds and cheers once more. 

SQUALL

(holding up drawing)

This is a picture of a cowboy and a rich Indian. The cowboy just shot the rich Indian in the face. And look, he's got a sucking chest wound.

A lullaby like note plays as Squall'y' gives a bright smile that makes 'my' cheeks hurt.

SIMON

Maybe you aren't quite the Irvine wannabe. Squally, do you ever show your drawings to the psychologist?

SQUALL

I did once, and he wept openly.

SIMON

I'm not surprised. Both our dads are out looking for new mommies. Which is quite strange because my mommy's only been with the angels for a short time. But my daddy explained to me, sometimes daddies need mommies, or they lose their minds. Even if it means having a mommy for one lonely and degrading night. 

SQUALL

Sometimes my daddy pays for his mommies.

RAIJIN

(running by)

Sometimes my daddy, ya know, pays for his daddies, ya know?

FUUJIN

(also running by)

MINE TOO.

SIMON

All right, one more drawing. Were you looking at my bum? Were you? Squally, were they looking at my bum?

SQUALL

NO, they were looking at my bum. Bum lookers!

SIMON

Cheeky monkeys, the lot of you. All right, this is a drawing Squally and I did of our bums.

Audience laughs, whoops, and claps.

SQUALL

(pointing to the smaller bum)

This is my bum.

SIMON

(pointing to the larger bum)

And this is my bum. My daddy fears I suffer from gigantism. Oh well, it's time to go. I'm starting to get prune hands. I can't do my drawings when I've got prune hands.

*plllt plllt plllt*

SQUALL

(relieved look on face)

Oh, I fa-a-a-rted.

FADE OUT as SIMON and SQUALL giggle themselves to hysteria. 

__

Well good day my name is Simon 

And I like to do drawrings

A/N: Next time… SEIFER! Next chapter coming tonight or tomorrow.


	2. Seifer

STANDARD DISLAIMER: The character Seifer belongs to Squaresoft as well as the city Deling and the country Galbadia.

****

Simon: FF8 Style

Seifer

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FADE IN

INTERIOR is a bathroom. View of bathtub.

SIMON

(cheerful)

Hello. My name is Simon. I like to do drawings. Today I have a Galbadian friend in the bath with me. I met him on my Christmas Vacation in Deling City. Do you want to meet him? Do you? 

Positive shouts from the crowd.

SIMON

His name is Seify Almasy. He's ever so friendly.

SEIFER

(with gangster voice)

Yo, how you doing?

SIMON

His daddy works for a big Galbadian company, and my dad might be getting into business with his dad. 

SEIFER

My old man's in construction.

SIMON

And just like me, Seify doesn't have a mommy. My mommy's with the angels.

SEIFER

My mommy's sleeping with the fishes. My daddy said she had a BIG mouth.

SIMON

Seify, didn't you think that Christmas in Deling City was ever so fun?

SEIFER

(shrugging)

It didn't suck.

SIMON

I had a great time. All Christmas day long I played the slots by myself, and every two hours a nice lady named Bambi would take me to the toilet. 

SEIFER

(naughty look)

Speaking of toilets, while you were just talking I made.

SIMON

I thought it was getting warmer in here. Cheeky monkey. Anyway, I made another drawing while I was at the casino, do you want to see it? Do you? Were you looking at my bum? Were you? Bum lookers! Cheeky monkeys! This is a picture of my daddy at the roulette tables. Look, he's crying. He's shouting for people to give him more credit. 'Give me more credit!' he said. So I said, okay, you're a great daddy and I think this is the best Christmas ever! Evidently, that was not the kind of credit he needed, and he was whisked away to a darkened room. Seify, do you have any Christmas drawings?

SEIFER

Yes, I do. Were you looking at my ass? Don't look at my ass! Ass lookers! They was looking at my ass!

SIMON

Oh no! Oh no!

SEIFER

All right, this is a picture of Cid Kramer dressed up as Santa Claus. I asked daddy why Santa Claus was covered in blood, and he says, 'Sometimes, Santa needs ta get whacked.'

SIMON

Fair enough. Fair enough. This is a picture of one of my presents from my Auntie Molly. It's a year's membership in the chocolate bar of the month club. January is Cadbury's gooseberry crème month.

SEIFER

(holding up a picture of a B.B gun and a rabbit spewing blood)

Well, this is what I got. It's a B.B gun. I use it for shooting rabbit and small chocobo. 

SIMON

I got another present. It was from my former nanny who's a hippie. It's a vest made out of macramay.

SEIFER

You mean macramé. 

SIMON

All she does is eat taafu, all day long.

SEIFER

It's tofu!

SIMON

If you like. She even grows her own origahno.

SEIFER

It's oregano you limey freak!

SIMON

My daddy said English and Galbadian are separated by a common language.

SEIFER

All I know is that my dad could take your dad.

SIMON

That's probably true, because sadly my dad doesn't carry firearms. That's all the time we have for this week. My guest has been Seify. Happy New Year Seify.

SEIFER

Happy New Year, Happy New Year Simon.

SIMON 

Did it just get warmer in here again? 

SEIFER

Maybe…

SIMON

(waving)

All right you cheeky monkey. Bye bye! Bye!

SEIFER

(waving)

Bye.

FADE OUT

__

Well good day my name is Simon 

And I like to do drawrings

A/N: This will be continued, but the next guest is unknown.


	3. Rinoa

STANDARD DISLAIMER: Characters not including Simon are © to Squaresoft.

****

Simon: FF8 Style

Rinoa

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FADE IN

INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.

Simon

Hello. My name is Simon; I like to do drawings. Today, for the first time, I have a female friend in the bath with me. Are you looking at my bum? Are you looking at my bum? Cheeky monkeys! Bum lookers!

Female Friend

Sorry, I was.

Simon

… Well, anyway… Her name is Rinny and she's ever so much fun. Do you want to meet her, do you?

There is a long silence.

RINOA

(angry)

BEEEEEP. BEEP. BEEP!!!!!

SIMON

All right, well here she is.

RINOA smiles.

SIMON

Like me, Rinny doesn't have a mommy, so her daddy-

RINOA

My daddy bl-

SIMON

I came to know Rinny through my friend Seify. He says she's been looking for a new boyfriend, ever since she found out Squally was gay. Unfortunately, I am not familiar with either one of those concepts.

RINOA

A 'boy-friend' is a very special friend you can kiss when you aren't related, and go out on 'special' dates with. And if a boyfriend and girlfriend decide they really like each other they can get married and become mommies and daddies. Everyone gets only one boyfriend or girlfriend, except for Irvy and I. 

IRVINE

(off-stage)

Woo-hoo! See! I told you Sefie!

SIMON

All right, all right, but why only one?

RINOA

Cause to have more then one is a type of cheating. A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should be special, so you only get one to share all of that type of love with. Hey! Are they looking at my perfect bottom!

SIMON

Are you people, are you looking at Rinny's bum people? Bum lookers!

RINOA

Perfect bottom lookers!

SIMON & RINOA

Cheeky monkeys!

RINOA

All right, and gay is-

RAIJIN

(running in with a television)

We'll show you, ya know?

FUJIN 

(running in with a tape)

AFFIRMATIVE.

FUJIN inserts the tape in the VCR. 

RAIJIN (on the video)

This is Fu's and my documentary ya know? We are gonna show you why men are gay!

WARD and KIROS come on the screen. SEIFER runs in and ejects the video.

SEIFER

FU! RAI! What did I tell you? It's unappealing to show videos of your daddies-

SEIFER sees the camera and smiles then drags RAIJIN away with FUJIN over his shoulder so she can't kick.

FUJIN

(off-stage)

RAGE!

RINOA

Anyway, gay people are people that are romantically involved with the same gender as them. 

SIMON

What a nice little visit that was, with Fujie, Raijie and Seify all at the same time. Well, now I understand what 'gay' means. That's a nasty little tad of information. I see why Squally is so obsessed with Irvy now.

RINOA

(inching over to Simon)

Will you be my boyfriend?

SIMON

Okay.

ANONYMOUS CHOCOBO

Wark! Wark kweh wark kweeeh kweh wark! [Rinny! I thought you loved only me!]

RINOA

I, oh… well…

ANONYMOUS CHOCOBO

WAARRRRK! [Not to be translated] WARK-KWEH! [Daddy!]

CHOCO/MOG comes in and performs fat chocobo on the bathtub. RINOA runs.

SIMON

(hidden behind the rubble of the tub)

Maybe we should wrap it up for today.

RINOA

(to the side of the bathroom)

I've learned my lesson! And I'll be good and honest and not tell people my ex-boyfriends gay so they won't know he dumped me and declared his love for Fujie!

FUJIN

(escaped and holding her video)

… RELATIONSHIP. NOT HAPPENING.

RINOA

WHY? IS MY EX NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

ZELL

(running in and taking Fujin's hand)

She's with me.

SIMON

Could you please excuse yourself from the bathroom? This is Rinny's segment.

Everybody but RINOA leaves, ZELL and FUJIN are hand in hand.

SIMON

You know Rinny; this might not work out. Maybe you should have a boyfriend that doesn't know about your previous life.

RINOA

(cheerful)

Okay!

SIMON

Uh… well that's all the time we have for now. Bye bye!

RINOA

(princess waving)

Farewell.

FADE OUT

__

Well good day my name is Simon 

And I like to do drawrings


	4. Irvine

STANDARD DISLAIMER: Characters not including Simon are © to Squaresoft.

If you leave a suggestion I'll probably take it. I'm going to do the ones that have been asked to be done in order from when they were asked to be done.

****

Simon: FF8 Style

Irvine

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FADE IN

INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.

SIMON

Hello. My name is Simon. I like to do drawings. Today, I've got a very special friend in the bath with me. His name is Irvy. I've known him since I was a baby, and he's quite friendly. Do you-

FUJIN

(in the audience)

AFFIRMATIVE! AFFIRMATIVE GODDAMNIT! 

IRVINE

Yo.

SIMON

Irvy, why are you wearing your pants?

IRVINE

If I don't, it will be harder for the squirrels to move around. You would not believe how hard it is to find air masks in their size. Woo…

SIMON

And why do you have squirrels in your pants?

SQUIRREL #1

Ooo… nuts.

IRVINE

Uh! Uh… well, them squirrels need a warm place in the winter. *grunt* Oh… oh…

SIMON

Oh, is it cold where you live?

IRVINE

Yeah-ah! Oh squirrel… yes.

SQUIRREL #2

Is it just me or is it a little too warm in here?

SIMON

Well, anyway. Irvine and I were just out shopping. We went to a funny looking store. Unlike any one I've ever seen. There was a lot of rubber in there and long things Irvy calls-

IRVINE

SQUIRRELY! 

SIMON

It just got warmer in here again.

FUJIN

AROUSED.

The whole audience turns to look at FUJIN.

SQUALL

Why can't she say that to me?!

SIMON

When Irvine and I were out shopping, we went to the Cinnabun. Weren't their foods ever so tasty?

IRVINE

So very tasty. What's that sound?

Voice

Uh, uh, uh… yes, yes Chip! Yes!

IRVINE

(slapping his pants)

Keep it down in there!

ZELL

FUJIN! THICKER SHIRT. ACQUIRE- IMMEDIATELY.

IRVINE

You know the author's been working on this for two hours?

SIMON

Author? Wha-

IRVINE

I think it's time to end the show.

SIMON

Right. Ta ta. I'll have another girl on my show next time. And I'll see you shortly.

IRVINE

Yup, the author says I'm harder to work with than anyone.

VOICE FROM EVERYWHERE

Well, you're so complicated.

SIMON

Well… b- Are you looking at my bum?

IRVINE 

No! I'm not gay I tell you! I mean… I think they are… Bum lookers!

SIMON 

Bum lookers! Cheeky monkeys! Good bye! 

FADE OUT

__

Well good day my name is Simon 

And I like to do drawrings


	5. The Disciplinary Committee

STANDARD DISLAIMER: Characters not including Simon are © to Squaresoft.

Feel free to leave suggestions for who goes next. There are very few reasons I wouldn't take them. I might even get two people in here at the same time if you ask. Mail me at dogz_rock_plenty@hotmail.com if you want to reach me right away. 

****

Simon: FF8 Style

The Disciplinary Committee

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FADE IN

INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.

SIMON

Hello. My name is Simon. I like to do drawings. Today, I have two people here in the bath with me. They didn't want to come on the show, so I'm trying very hard to make them comfortable. Here are Fujie and Rajie.

RAIJIN

Hello, ya know!

SIMON

Fujie? Aren't you going to introduce yourself? Fujie? Where are you?

PAN TO FUJIN, mostly under the water, eyes just poking above like an alligator. A look of rage is on her face.

SIMON

Fujie, aren't you-?

FUJIN

RAGE! DIE!

RAIJIN 

This is a huge moment in history! Fujin can't be suffering from permanent PMS!

PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD

Yeeeeey!

SIMON

Anyway, what have you been doing lately Rajie?

RAIJIN

Oh, I've been reading, and um, poking Fujin, and…

FUJIN

RAGE!

SIMON

Aw, Fujie. He's just poking you.

The audience goes silent at the realisation of Simon's lack of knowledge.

ZELL

Oh, the gods! Fujin, how could you?

FUJIN

MORON. WAS THERE. SHOCK- FAKE.

ZELL

But I'm a pretty ::bleep:: good actor aren't I?

SIMON

It's not her fault she got poked!

RAIJIN

And impregnated.

ZELL

WHAT?

RAIJIN

But that could be from anyone of us guys, ya know?

FUJIN performs a flying leap launch out of the tub and hits the floor covered in suds, then crawls off stage.

SIMON

Were you looking at her bum? Where you looking at her bum? Bum lookers!

RAIJIN & SIMON

Cheeky monkeys!

FUJIN

M*****F***ING ASSLOOKERS!

SQUALL

Why god? WHY? Why the suds? ::sob::

SIMON

Why not?

RAIJIN

I hope the baby's not mine. That gene combination is just wrong, ya know?

SIMON

Where do baby's come from?

RAIJIN

A guy has to poke a girl and if you do it right you get a baby.

SIMON

How?

RAIJIN

It works kind of like a candy dispenser. 

FUJIN

RAGE!

SIMON

Hey! I've poked Fujie!  
  
ZELL

Wha…? Are you really that sl-?

FUJIN

RAAAAAAAAAAGE!

SEIFER comes in and drags FUJIN away. 

SEIFER

We're going to the doctors to find out whose baby it is.

SIMON

Oh dear, Seify pokes Fujie A LOT.

PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD

O_O

SIMON

Come to think of it, Seify sometimes pokes Fujie repeatedly.  
  
PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD

O_O

SIMON

A few dozen times each day!

PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD

O_O 

SIMON

Moving on… Today, Rajie and I went to the library. It was ever so much fun. He showed me some good books. 

RAIJIN

Oh yea! Um, I think the author has to go work on her um… Seifuuy business.

SIMON

This episode has been ever so confusing, and I, I hope it doesn't give you complications. My daddy says confusing things often do. Speaking of my daddy, he is again out looking for a new mommy. Rajie's dad is going to help him. As well as Fujie's dad, and their other dad. Like the rest of my guests, Fujie and Raijie don't have a mommy. 

RAIJIN

./` Nobody knows the trouble I see. Nobody knows my sorrow. Ya know! ./`

SIMON

But they do have three daddies.

RAIJIN

./` Oh happy days. Oh happy days. ./`

SIMON

Raijie, do you have any drawings? 

RAIJIN

Fujie and I have many, ya know?

SIMON

No I don't.

RAIJIN holds up a drawing of a robin singing… with a dagger in its chest blood squirting out. It's set on a beautiful green grass, blue sky type background.

RAIJIN

Fujie drew the blood and the dagger, ya know. I drew everything else.

RAIJIN holds up a picture of a squirrel on top of another squirrel.

RAIJIN

Um, this is just Fujie's, ya know. I'm not sure what the squirrels are doing. Oh… maybe they're chipmunks. Well Irvine confuses me, ya know. He doesn't know the difference. 

SIMON

I thought those noises in his pants sounded like chipmunks, not squirrels, ya know.

RAIJIN goes to pull out another picture then looks at it and puts it back.

SIMON

What was that may I ask?

RAIJIN

That's one of Fujie's, ya know. She scribbled it out when I tried to look at it. I think it's her and Seifer. They look kind of like the squirrels from what I can see. 

SIMON

Interesting, well, we have to wrap up this episode. Next time we'll have Fujie and the daddy of the baby. Buh bye.

RAIJIN

Buh bye, ya know!

FADE OUT

__

Well good day my name is Simon 

And I like to do drawrings


	6. Fujin and ????

STANDARD DISLAIMER: Characters not including Simon are © to Squaresoft.

Feel free to leave suggestions for who goes next. There are very few reasons I wouldn't take them. I might even get two people in here at the same time if you ask. Mail me at dogz_rock_plenty@hotmail.com if you want to reach me right away. The people who reviewed before this chapter got to vote. I did not. I wanted it to be something different but I promised myself I'd go with the voters.

****

Simon: FF8 Style

Fujin & ????

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FADE IN

INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible. Fujin is staring blankly at the camera and Simon is smiling.

SIMON

Hello. My name is Simon. I like to do drawings. Today, I've got Fujie in the bath with me and… Fujie, where is he?

FUJIN

Uh, he's uh, in here somewhere. Ai!

SEIFER pops up.

SEIFER

Yo.

SIMON

Well, I guess the father's Seify. Oh dear, what is that vibrating?

The bathtub seems to jump along the floor for a moment then IRVINE and LAGUNA pop up from the suds.

SIMON

Or not? 

FUJIN

Laguna, shame!

SIMON

And who is this?

SQUALL

(from the audience)

My dad shagged the girl of my dreams!

FUJIN

REPEATEDLY.

SQUALL

::whimpers:: And he has the nerve to wear his wedding ring.

FUJIN

SPEAKING OF!

FUJIN holds up her hand to reveal her engagement ring.

SQUALL

Pedophile, arrgh!

SQUALL begins to run around banging against the studio walls in rage.

LAGUNA

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee, it's not me! 

SQUALL stops.

LAGUNA

No! That was cool!

SIMON

All right Fujie, who are you marrying?

FUJIN

It's not… you. It's not… Cid.

SIMON

Cid poked you?

FUJIN

Yes. It's not… Steiner. It's not… Disgruntled Treno Tourist. It's not…

TWO HOURS LATER:

FUJIN

It's not… Tony the team tiger.

SIMON

Who's he…?

ALL EXCEPT FOR FUJIN AND SIMON

ZzzzzZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ.

FUJIN

It's… ::falls asleep::

__

Well good day my name is Simon… yawn.

And I like to do drawrings.

****

Simon: FF8 Style

Fujin & ???? 

Part 2

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FUJIN

Zzz… huh?! Anyway… it's Seifer.

PAN TO the sleeping audience.

CUT TO Fujin.

FUJIN

WAKE UP! I SAID IT WAS SEIFER!

SIMON

It's amazing she never goes hoarse. She's very special. My daddy says we're all special. Speaking of my daddy, he says he's met someone very special. He had to talk to me about it. He explained that even when daddies find new mommies that doesn't mean they don't love their old mommies anymore. 

ZELL

Ya, we're moving pretty fast. I feel so special when I'm with him.

ALL BUT ZELL

Err…

SIMON

So unfortunately my daddy did not get a new mommy. But tomorrow we're going out to the mall with me new daddy, to get me some new clothes. I'm ever so excited.

ZELL

Your father tells me you go through clothes like wildfire.

SIMON

I've got major prune hands! I can't do my drawings when I've got prune hands! I guess that means we must go now. Goodbye.

A LOT OF PEOPLE

Good bye!

RAIJIN

… ya know.

SQUALL

…whatever.

__

Well good day my name is Simon.

And I like to do drawrings.


	7. Cid and Edea

STANDARD DISLAIMER: Characters not including Simon are © to Squaresoft.

LEAVE SUGGESTIONS YOU- YOU- PERSON THAT I AM NOT HAPPY WITH NOW BECAUSE I AM GRUMPY.

****

Simon: FF8 Style

Edea and Cid

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FADE IN

INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.

SIMON

Hello. My name is Simon. I like to do drawings. Today, today…

EDEA

Don't stutter!

SIMON

…Anyway, this is Cid Kramer and his wife, Edea Kramer. 

EDEA

Why did you say my name last? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

FUJIN runs out and kicks Edea.

EDEA

OWIE! What was that?

SIMON

She does that now.

CID

See honey! Pay up! A ha, a ha, a ha.

EDEA hands CID one thousand gil.

EDEA

DAMMIT! How was I supposed to know she would get a job? That child has always been bad for me. Ever since she developed a taste for blood. And her alliance with squirrels and seagulls is perturbing…

CID

I thought it was chipmunks.

SIMON

Oh, chipmunks and squirrels are ever so confusing…

EDEA

…and then there was that time where she roasted my parrot…

SIMON

A lot of people have problems with them. What is the different between a chipmunk and a squirrel?

EDEA

…and where the hell did she get that weird burning stuff to slip into my pantyhose…

CID

Chipmunks always seem to have a line down their back, and spots. And squirrels are longer, aren't they?

EDEA

…and I never figured out what she was doing to Tony the team tigers leg…

SIMON

Whoever is Tony the team tiger?

CID

(whispering to Simon)

It's a tiger Edea always imagined with Fujie, and Fujie said they were pyromaniacs together, though it might have been another of Fujie's pranks…

EDEA

THE FIRE! IT BURNS!

SIMON

Where is Fujie? She's meant to be kicking Edea right now.

TONY

(backstage)

Yerrrrrrr… GREAT! Eh-eh-eh-eh…

FUJIN

ENGORGED.

SQUALL whimpers in the audience.

CID

…

EDEA

It's that voice again. Not the voice goddammit! 

EDEA begins to run around banging against the studio walls in rage.

LAGUNA

(popping up)

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

SQUALL

(in the audience)

BOOOOO! 

LAGUNA

Oh fine.

LAGUNA gets out of the bath and runs off the stage, getting quite a few ooos and OOOs and of course OoOs. Pretty good for an old guy. EDEA begins looking back and forth, from where LAGUNA left to CID.

EDEA

Oh my god…

SQUALL

Oh my god…

FUJIN runs out and kicks EDEA.

SIMON

There you are Fujie.

EDEA

BITCH! First you make me loose a bet and then you cheat on Seife. WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU?!

SEIFER runs out on stage and jumps in the bath.

SEIFER

Cheating? I was there. I just have more control than Fujie and her friend. Come in Fuu…

FUJIN slips into the bathtub.

CID

So… Simon, how are things with you and your new daddy? 

SIMON

Oh, we've been having ever so much fun. In fact, I have a picture of us at the mall. Here is my new daddy buying a dress. I don't know why. My old daddy said it would be of good use in the bedroom. I'm not sure what he meant.

SEIFER

Fu, don't you dare start on another one of those stories about your dads… and no movies either!

FUJIN

CONFOUNDIT. 

SIMON

How are things doing with the baby?

SEIFER

Fu is being a little rough on it. Tony keeps coming over and-

EDEA

THE FIRE! IT BURNS!

FUJIN kicks EDEA.

FUJIN

The doctor said it was fine… and then he joined us.

SEIFER

That was fun. Who knew such a serious guy could really let go and-

EDEA

OH! I MISS BEING YOUNG!

SIMON

So when are you two getting married?

FUJIN

…

SEIFER

… We have to go, don't we?

SIMON

No we-

FUJIN

GOODBYE!

FUJIN kicks SIMON.

CID

Goodbye.

SEIFER

Goodbye.

EDEA

THE FIRE! IT BURNS!

__

Well good day my name is Simon.

And I like to do drawrings


	8. Selphie

STANDARD DISLAIMER: Characters not including Simon are © to Squaresoft.

Please leave suggestions. My friend at school told me to do Selphie, so I'm doing that. *realizes how 'do Selphie' sounds* Tee-hee! Like, write her in. If you don't tell me what to do, I won't write! Stares at Me's review. Lana… you are strange. But it was her idea to do Selphie! *runs around in circles like Lana does then gets dizzy and falls down* Oh, and I didn't spend much time on spelling in this chapter, but don't be afraid to tell me if I made any mistakes. It would actually be nice. 

****

Simon: FF8 Style

Selphie

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FADE IN

INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.

SIMON

Hello. My name is Simon. I like to do drawings. Today my guest is Sefie… Sefie? Say hello. All right Sefie. That's enough. Please stop doing that Selphie…

SELPHIE

The white stuff tastes good…

SIMON

All right, now stop eating my sun tan lotion! Cheeky monkey!

SELPHIE

Cheeky monkey more! Tee-hee!

SQUALL

When my new daddy and I were out again, we saw Sefie with Irvy, and decided it would be a good idea for her to come to the tub, because we've already had Irvy on.

SELPHIE

Tee-hee! Irvy is my boyfriend! And Laguna is touching my bum!

LAGUNA pops up again. 

LAGUNA

I like de bubbles…

SQUALL

(in the audience)

Are you touching her bum?

SIMON

Cheeky monkey!

SELPHIE

Bum toucher!

LAGUNA licks SELPHIE's ear.

SELPHIE

Tee-hee!

IRVINE

(in the audience)

Save some for me Sefie! Grrr… hello Mr. President…

IRVINE bats his eyelashes at LAGUNA, but then FUJIN runs out and kicks him. LAGUNA goes back under.

SELPHIE

Isn't she pregnant?

SIMON

Yes, with Seify.

SELPHIE

Cool! I drew this picture of Fujie eating gold fish with me. We got them right out of Edea's house pond!

SIMON

Like in Jungle2Jungle? That movie is ever so much fun!

SELPHIE

I have an idea! After the show, let's paint our faces like they do in the movie! OH! Let's scream like at the beginning!

SIMON AND SELPHIE

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

LAGUNA

(popping up)

Ow! Sound really travels in water. 

SIMON AND SELPHIE

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

LAGUNA

(looking around)

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SELPHIE

Woo… He is really hot when he screams… I wonder if…?

IRVINE

… Sefie!

SELPHIE

Sorry.

IRVINE

Just don't get into anything without me.

SELPHIE

Heh heh…

SIMON

Do you have any other pictures, Sefie?

SELPHIE

Yeah! This is my picture! It's me and the chipmunks! 

SQUALL

(sighing)

The chipmunks and I.

Selphie holds up a really accurately drawn picture of her surrounded by chipmunks, their teeth covered in blood, including Selphie's…

SELPHIE

MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

SIMON

… Do you have any pets?

SELPHIE

Thousands!

SIMON

My new daddy talked to my old daddy and they're letting me get a dog. My new daddy has never had a dog and he said it would be a good experience for him as well. The only dog he ever got close to was Rinny's dog, but then she took her doggie away from him because it liked him better.

SIMON holds up a picture of ANGELO.

SELPHIE

Angelo is the doggie from hell! They ate a squirrel!

SIMON

They?

SELPHIE

All right! I don't know what gender it is! It's not my fault! Everybody picks on the one that got 0.5 on their IQ tests!

SIMON

Why ever are you looking at me like that? And what ever is that scythe for? And why can Laguna stay under the water so long?

SELPHIE

And why is he touching me there?

LAGUNA pops up, takes a breath, winks at Selphie, and goes back under.

SQUALL

God! WHY IS HE ALWAYS THERE?

SELPHIE

I have a picture of Laguna! It's not finished yet. See how his eyes are closed, his head tilted back… He's going to be…

SELPHIE's head drops down and she goes into a LAGUNA-ish fantasy world.

SIMON

Sefie? Sefie… Sefie… Sefie… I'm going to get prune hands. Sefie…

SELPHIE

Ah… *drool*

SIMON

Maybe we should leave Sefie alone… so goodbye. My guest has been Sefie. Goodbye Sefie.

SELPHIE

And HELLO Laguna's hand.

SIMON

This time, it's definitely getting warmer in here.

Fujin runs out and tries to kick Laguna but can't find him.

SEIFER

Fujie! You're going to fall and hurt the baby!

FUJIN stares at SEIFER like he's insane.

__

Well good day, my name is Simon.

And I like to do drawrings.


	9. Zell

STANDARD DISLAIMER: Characters not including Simon are © to Squaresoft.

Please leave suggestions! And um, I dun have anything against gay people. I know a lot of them and they're just like us! Except for that guy that dropped his pants…

****

Simon: FF8 Style

Zell

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FADE IN

INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.

ZELL and SIMON'S DAD are whispering low down so they can't be seen.

SIMON'S DAD

What you mean show?

ZELL

Shh, the camera's on… The kid's coming! Go on!

SIMON'S DAD

I can't just disappear.

ZELL

Well you could get off of me!

SIMON'S DAD

Time sure flies when you're having fun.

SIMON pops up, and ZELL shoves his dad under.

ZELL

What the f-… I mean… Where did you come from?

SIMON

Underground passage.

ZELL

Uh, did you see anything?

SIMON

What…?

ZELL

Good enough.

ZELL looks at the bubbles coming up from under him.

ZELL

So, heh heh… wassup?

SIMON

Daddy, are you pooting?

ZELL

Uh, let's start the show…

SIMON

All right… Good day. My name is Simon; I like to do drawings. Today, my new daddy is in the bath with me.

ZELL

WASSUUUUUP?!!!?

SIMON

Nuttin much.

ZELL

This kid sure learns fast!

ZELL and SIMON share one of those perfect TV moments were a father and son look at each other and smile warmly.

SIMON

I love you, dad.

ZELL

I love you to son.

SQUALL

(shouting from the audience)

I love my dad too!

LAGUNA

(pops up from the water)

I love you too son!

FUJIN runs out and wreaks havoc, knocking things over, screaming, and kicking people, until things aren't so lovely.

ZELL

Thanks Fujie. That was scary.

SIMON

Fujie, did you ever realize that my father became gay after being with you?

FUJIN runs backstage bawling.

ZELL

Guess not.

SIMON

Anyhoo…

ZELL

Very nice. Casual.

SIMON

Thank you daddy. Anyhoo… I drew a picture of us going shopping. This is my second daddy. He wanted the yellow dress, but my first daddy wanted him to get the pink dress. My first daddy likes pink.

ZELL

Yellow is nice. Happy colour!

Laguna

Ya, the one with the firm bum wears yellow…

SIMON

Cheeky monkey!

ZELL

Bum feeler!

LAGUNA goes back under.

ZELL

Does it bother you that your friend's naked father is in your bathtub?

SIMON

Quite frankly, no, it doesn't.

ZELL

…Wow… you really are a special boy. Anyhoo… any other drawings?

SIMON

Well, I did draw something just recently, but I'm not such if I should show it. You see, I saw Seifer and Fujin when I got up for a drink last night, and... 

Fujin

(running out and leaping on Simon)

You [censor]!

The audience gasps, as FUJIN rips the paper from SIMON.

FUJIN

DOG?

SIMON

Well, you were growling into his neck, and it reminded me of a doggy…

Fujin

(Oh, so that was just before…) SAW ANYTHING ELSE?

SIMON

No… not really…

FUJIN

NOT REALLY?!!?

FUJIN begins to strangle SIMON.

ZELL

A ha! Ha! I mean… don't do that to my son!

SIMON

(gagging)

My f-father… became… *gack* gay after b-b-being with yooooo…

FUJIN begins to loosen her grip, and back off… as SIMON keeps saying it. Finally, she runs off crying.

FUJIN

Seifer, where are you?

MUFFLED VOICE

Tony! Yes, yes, yes!

Fujin

(leaving the stage)

?

SIMON & ZELL

?

FUJIN

Seifer, he's my… Oh well, may I join you?

SEIFER

Hop in, honey.

ZELL

Did she just talk normally?

SEIFER

Uh, no!

ZELL

Oh, okay.

LOUD HOWARD

MY NAME IS LOUD HOWARD!

SIMON

Well now, there's no need to yell from the audience.

LOUD HOWARD

I'M NOT YELLING!

ZELL

Why is the author watching Dilbert? 

SIMON

What?

ZELL

Oh nothing. Ya see…

All of a sudden SIMON'S FATHER escapes from under Zell and breaks through the back of the tub.

SIMON

(looking back)

Daddy?

ZELL

Oi vay! Turn off the camera!

CAMERAMEN

But… the song.

ZELL

Grrr…

__

Well good day, I'm Simon's father.

And, uh… GAH!

FUJIN is kicking ZELL into a state of fear to use his singing voice ever again as the camera fades out.


	10. Quistis

****

IMPORTANT… kinda: Because chat room format was banned, I'm no longer aloud to post this anymore. However, I didn't think it was fair to make you wait any longer for the next chapter, so I wrote this one in the same format. I will slowly create each of the chapters in… uh, whatever you called the other format, but I'll leave each of these up as well. As for Quistis, she'll get what she really deserves in the following episodes. I just want her to feel the pain I feel every day in this chapter. ^.^ -Jennifer Kinneas

****

IF YOU HAVE SUGGESTIONS FOR CHAPTERS, YOU MUST GET THEM IN QUICKLY, EVEN THROUGH MAIL IF NESSESSARY. THE STORY IS COMING TO AN END.

Jenniferkinneas@hotmail.com

Simon: FF8 Style

Quistis

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to do drawrings.

I like to draw, all day long. 

So come and do drawerings with me. 

Girl Voices: Come and do drawerings with me…

FADE IN

INTERIOR is a bathroom, only the bathtub and the wall behind it are visible.

SIMON

Good day- my name is Simon. I like to do drawings. Today, today I have a genius friend in the bath with me. She's very smart. Would you like to meet her? Would you?

The crowd has no reaction.

SIMON

I said: Would you like to meet her? Would you?

FUJIN

GREAT TITS.

CROWD

YEA!

QUISTIS

That's sad on so many levels.

QUISTIS looks at FUJIN, pretending not to be afraid.

FUJIN

Not that I noticed for any particular reason…

SIMON

Fuji, you are a very interesting girl. Did you know that? Did you?

QUISTIS

Did she just use a whole sentence?

FUJIN

NEGATIVE.

QUISTIS

But-

FUJIN pushes QUISTIS and SIMON below the water, and runs.

QUISTIS

This pregnancy is really affecting her…

SIMON

It's true! It's true!

QUISTIS

And there's something that's perplexing her…

SIMON

It's true! It's true!

QUISTIS

My personality would also switch, if I had to be Seifer's-

SIMON

Wait a tic! Why are we singing like cheerleaders?

QUISTIS

Because the author needs to stop watching TV while writing these segments.

AUTHOR

It's true! It's true!

SIMON

Where is that voice coming from?

AUTHOR

Um, you're dreaming! You better go to sleep, so you can wake up…

SIMON

Okay!

AUTHOR

I know I may seem smart, but I got that idea from Sabrina.

SIMON leans back and falls asleep quickly.

QUISTIS

Ah, the magic of an untroubled child. ::single tear::

AUTHOR

Daddy didn't love me…! ::single tear::

SIMON

Zzzzzzzzz…

QUISTIS

Well, this is awkward.

AUTHOR

No kidding. Wake him up!

SIMON

Quisty, do you have any drawrings?

QUISTIS

Well, no. I don't really like drawrings.

SIMON

…

AUTHOR

…

AUDIENCE 

…

WORLD

…

ALIENS ABOVE THE WORLD

…

SINGLE ALIEN ABOVE THE WORLD

… (I believe that somewhere, people use letters!)

ALIENS ABOVE THE WORLD

…! (Letters! What is he talking about?)

ALIENS ABOVE THE WORLD kill SINGLE ALIEN ABOVE THE WORLD because he's different.

SIMON

…

The spotlight shines down on QUISTIS.

QUISTIS

It's tough being different! I try to be normal, but I must also be worthy. And then I begin to think that maybe if I could just get men to look at me the way my mother's boyfriends looked at her, maybe I could be more then the worthless little shit they said I was!

The spotlight dims.

SIMON

This is a picture of me at the park with my daddies. We're feeding the ducks together. My first daddy never used to go out this much before. I think this is really good for him.

FUJIN sneaks out on the stage quietly.

FUJIN

Or is it? It's always hard having gay parents. People think you can only be gay as well, but it's not true! Sexual preferences can't be taught. Still, you think, how can I live up to those other girls? Live up to those confident girls, those beautiful girls? Will I ever know how? Will anyone ever love me? In the end, it's nearly impossible to help yourself. You become less and less interested in the world, until you can only be a freak. But isn't it what you want? Being a freak gives you attention, the thing all kids with gay parents crave.

AUTHOR

Fujin, that's just you. You must have been dropped on your head.

FUJIN

::single tear:: 

AUTHOR

Maybe I shouldn't have shared my pain… But I know how to make it better… Pie…

QUISTIS

What?

FUJIN

Happy, happy! Joy, joy! Happy, happy! Joy, joy! Happy, happy! Joy joy joy!

SIMON

Wait, what kind of pie?

FUJIN

AFFIRMATIVE. WHAT KIND?

AUTHOR

Um, apple…

FUJIN

HAPPY, HAPPY-

AUTHOR

Oh, take your medication!

QUISTIS

Why am I hardly featured in this chapter? I think I got the least lines out of anyone.

AUTHOR

I can't help it! This crap is un-scripted baby, yeah!

QUISTIS

You're on drugs, aren't you?

AUTHOR

I'm on love and peace, man.

CAST

Remember, love and peace, dudes!

CANADIAN MAN

Love and peace!

JAPANESE MAN

Love and peace!

THIS EPISODE WAS CUT DUE TO LENGTH.

POLISH MAN

I am going to kill you and make your girlfriend my bitch! (Sorry, bad experience with polish men)

__

Well good day, my name is Simon. 

And I like to smoke love and peace that Jenny grows in her basement.

****

SIMON, THE AUTHOR, AND THE OTHERS INVOLVED IN MAKING THIS SHOW DO NOT INDORSE IN OR SUPPORT DRUGS IN ANY WAY. EVEN THE WEAKEST DRUGS CAN RESULT IN LIFE ALTERING SIDE EFFECTS, SUCH AS SHORT ATTENTION SPAN, DISABILITY TO THINK CLEARLY, AND EVEN THE DREADED E.D. HOWEVER, WE DO INCOURAGE LOVE AND PEACE. HATE WILL FOG YOUR PATH, BUT LOVE IS YOUR FLASHLIGHT.

Suggestions anyone? You all know I need them.


End file.
